How to Stop People-Pleasing: A Guide to Building Boundaries and Reducing Anxiety

People-pleasing is a behaviour many individuals struggle with, often rooted in a desire for acceptance and approval. While it might seem harmless, constantly trying to please others can lead to anxiety, stress, and a loss of self-identity. If you find yourself constantly prioritizing others' needs over your own, it's time to reclaim your life. Here’s a guide on how to stop people-pleasing, with insights from therapists and strategies to help you become more assertive.

Understanding People-Pleasing

People-pleasing involves consistently putting others' needs and desires ahead of your own. This can stem from a variety of factors, including:

• Fear of rejection or conflict

• Low self-esteem

• A desire for validation

• Cultural or familial expectations

In cities like Ottawa and Toronto, where the pace of life can be fast and demanding, the pressure to keep everyone around you happy can be overwhelming. However, this behaviour often leads to burnout and heightened anxiety.

Why It’s Important to Stop People-Pleasing

1. Mental Health: Constantly pleasing others can lead to anxiety, depression, and resentment.

2. Self-Identity: You risk losing sight of who you are and what you want in life.

3. Relationships: Genuine relationships thrive on mutual respect and understanding, not on one-sided effort.

Steps to Stop People-Pleasing

1. Recognize the Behaviour: The first step in changing any behaviour is to acknowledge it. Notice when you are saying "yes" out of obligation or fear rather than genuine desire. Keep a journal to track these instances and reflect on the patterns.

2. Set Boundaries: Boundaries are essential in protecting your mental and emotional well-being. Here’s how to establish them:

• Identify Your Limits: Understand what you are comfortable with and what you are not. This could be in terms of time, energy, or emotional investment.

• Communicate Clearly: When setting boundaries, be direct and assertive. Use "I" statements to express your needs without sounding accusatory. For example, "I need some time to myself this weekend."

• Stick to Your Boundaries: It's important to remain consistent. If you waver, others may not take your boundaries seriously.

1. Learn to Say No: Saying "no" can be difficult, especially if you fear disappointing others. However, it's crucial for maintaining your well-being. Here are some tips:

• Be Polite but Firm: You can decline a request without being rude. A simple, "I’m sorry, but I can’t help with that," is enough.

• Offer Alternatives: If appropriate, suggest another way the person can get what they need, but only if it doesn't compromise your own boundaries.

• Practice: Like any skill, saying "no" gets easier with practice. Start with smaller requests and work your way up to more significant ones.

1. Seek Professional Help: If you find it challenging to break free from people-pleasing behaviours on your own, consider seeking help from a therapist. Many qualified therapists in Ottawa and Toronto specialize in anxiety and boundary-setting, including our very own therapists Ariette Hung, Danielle Kranabetter, Husainat Bakare, Rohama Kabeer and Anna Riddell. They can provide you with tailored strategies and support to become more assertive.

Benefits of Stopping People-Pleasing

When you stop people-pleasing, you'll notice significant improvements in your life:

• Reduced Anxiety: By prioritizing your own needs, you'll feel less stressed and anxious.

• Improved Self-Esteem: Valuing your own desires boosts your confidence and self-worth.

• Healthier Relationships: Relationships built on mutual respect and understanding are more fulfilling and enduring.

Conclusion

Breaking free from people-pleasing is a journey that requires self-awareness, practice, and sometimes professional guidance. By setting boundaries, learning to say no, and prioritizing your own needs, you can reduce anxiety and lead a more authentic and satisfying life. Remember that your well-being is worth the effort. Seek support from therapists if needed, and embrace the power of being assertive. Feel free to reach out to us at (613) 417-7741 if you need further assistance on booking a session with one of our experts. Your path to a balanced life starts with one assertive step at a time.