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In African and Eastern cultured families, whether that is African, South Asian or East Asian, boundaries often differ due to deeply ingrained cultural norms such as respecting elders and prioritizing family harmony. At Blissful Balance Counselling, we recognize that family traditions and values can vary significantly across and even within cultures. Yet, many common themes emerge around familial expectations and boundaries. Our therapists—Ariette Hung, Husainat Bakare and Rohama Kabeer —draw from their own cultural experiences to discuss the complexities of navigating family boundaries. They also provide you with some tips you can use to set effective boundaries.
"When it comes to addressing cross-cultural concerns with family, boundaries are a must."- Ariette Hung, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
Growing up in a Chinese-Canadian family myself, I’ve noticed there is a delicate balance between pursuing individuality and honouring the collective family name and traditions of the ones that came before, when it comes to career and lifestyle choices. It comes up often for clients in therapy. In part, it is due to the fact that many East-Asian families or immigrant families experienced some level of personal struggle before coming to Canada, whether it is financial or emotional or physical, and having a stable, comfortable and safe’ life in Canada is all people want.
For those that grow up in Canada, they grow up with Western ideology, and thus people sometimes want to separate from their families of origin by forging their own identity and career paths variant from the ones their parents expected from them. It doesn’t mean there’s a right or wrong way of doing anything, but sometimes, that tension exists. Oftentimes, I’ve noticed clients express that they get into cross-cultural conflicts with their parents when East and West values begin to clash – and that is because the West heavily emphasizes on individualism and personal fulfillment and Eastern values are more collectivistic, such as every decision made reflects on family, rather than on that individual themselves.
For one example, women today may value pursuing their career first before starting a family, where the past generation may emphasize stability through marriage or having children ‘during the prime years’. Or, for others, they may value traveling, material goods or good food/drink experiences whereas their parents’ generation grew up with more of a scarcity mindset around money, and are told they are being ‘frivolous’ or ‘impractical’. And others grow up wanting to set aside distance from the traditions or religious institutions that they grew up with.
Evidently, sometimes there is a value clash between individuals and the family of origins, especially from immigrant families that came from a different time and upbringing. When it comes to addressing cross-cultural concerns with family, boundaries are a must. While it is important to uphold respect to the family of origin, clients must find their way to assert and uphold their boundaries to keep their sense of peace both interpersonally and internally.
If you would like to book a free initial consultation with Ariette, click here.
"For West Africans looking to set boundaries, it’s helpful to start with clear and respectful communication." - Husainat Bakare, Registered Psychotherapist
In West African cultures, family expectations often emphasize collectivism, respect for elders, and strong kinship ties, which can make setting boundaries particularly challenging. The expectation to prioritize family needs over individual desires is deeply ingrained, and it’s not uncommon for family members to be heavily involved in personal decisions. While these cultural values are important, maintaining personal well-being is equally crucial, and setting boundaries is an effective way to achieve this.
For West Africans looking to set boundaries, it’s helpful to start with clear and respectful communication. Since respect is a cornerstone of West African culture, it’s important to infuse this in every conversation. Approach these discussions with calmness, emphasizing that setting boundaries is about fostering healthier relationships, not distancing yourself from family. Highlight how boundaries can actually lead to closer and more meaningful connections, as family is highly valued in the culture.
It’s also important to remain patient and allow room for mistakes. Altering cultural norms takes time, so remember that while change may be slow, consistency can lead to greater understanding and healthier family dynamics over time.
If you would like to book a free initial consultation with Husainat, click here.
"The truth is, that even though this collective community has raised us, it’s important to note that we have our own lives and obligations"- Rohama Kabeer, Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying)
Family expectations in South Asian cultures can often be quite different to what we might see and experience in other cultures, boundaries are often hard to set due to the expectations placed on children by their family members, making it incredibly difficult to create healthy communication and space for yourself.
There’s often and internal pressure to follow social norms and do things because you are expected to, it makes it hard to challenge these norms when the feeling of guilt impacts you emotionally, physically and spiritually.
There’s often also a worry about what people will think based on the messages that South Asian households keep us stuck in, which makes it harder to assert yourself, since the culture often teaches you that harmony is better than any sort of conflict, keeping the patterns going.
The truth is, that even though this collective community has raised us, it’s important to note that we have our own lives and obligations. It’s important to take care of yourself to take care of others and setting healthy boundaries is part of that.
One of the ways to do this is by practicing communication, language is important when communicating with your South Asian family, communicating needs, expectations and emotions is hard and no one is perfect at communicating that, it’s important to note that you will also make mistakes and learn from them. Start of small by saying no and trying to be assertive, share how you feel with others specifically the people that make you feel safe, remove yourself from situations that make you uncomfortable or where conflict might start to arise.
Work on yourself, focus on being self-reflective and remind yourself the importance of boundaries, whether that be through journalling prompts or your own therapy experiences. Remember, it’s a hard road but the goal is not to teach your parents how to think or be differently but rather to start meeting each other where you are.
If you would like to book a free initial consultation with Rohama, click here.
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